Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today

(Or, an election eve reminder to "Vote Unless You Want People Like THIS Running The Country")

I've been a registered user on this site for a few years now. I don't post much, as there's lots of people who say what I think better than I do, but I guess I just gotta try this "journal" thing at least once. (lol)

I've seen the "Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today" threads around the internets for years. I've compiled a few items over the years; I can't promise these are all 100% never-before-seen, but I feel kind of proud of a few of them I did write myself.

With Permission Democratic Underground

Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

* Ordering the plug pulled on a brain dead spouse is an Affront to the Culture of Life, unless the one ordering the plug pulled is Tom Delay's mother. That's an intensely private family decision that's none of our business.

* Ruling against the discrimination of gays is unrestrained judicial activism; the Supreme Court giving the 2000 election to a Republican who got a half million less votes is a proper use of judicial power.

* Questioning John Kerry's Purple Heart for getting shot at in Vietnam is a valid political issue. Questioning George W. Bush's attendance record in the Air National Guard is a liberal smear campaign.

* The Geneva Convention is "quaint"

* Political discourse has gone rotten in this country, and Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, Glenn Beck, Michelle Malkin, and Ann Coulter are totally correct to blame it all on those filthy evil America-hating terrorist-loving Muslin communist socialist Nazi liberals.

* Bill Clinton was a draft dodger for not serving in Vietnam. But it was okay for Dick Cheney, George W. Bush, Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich, Clarence Thomas, Dan Quayle, Tom Delay, Tom Tancredo, and Pat Buchanan to not go.

* Filibustering to stop civil rights legislation was a proper exercise of minority power in parliamentary procedures. Filibustering Bush's anti-civil rights judges is an affront to the democratic process.

* Similarly, taking away the filibuster to let those anti-civil rights judges through would have been proper; using "reconciliation" to give people health care reform on a straight majority vote was a tyrannical overreach of majority power.

* Watergate burglar G. Gordon Liddy is a hero. "Deep Throat" Mark Felt is a traitor.

* Amending the Constitution to outlaw flag burning is a good way to uphold our traditions of freedom of speech.

* Cindy Sheehan was disrespecting her son's memory by speaking out against the war that killed him, and we're sure he wouldn't have had any problem with Bush supporters calling her "Ditch Bitch" and smearing her with every dirty trick in the book.
* Waterboarding is only torture when used against American soldiers in World War 2.

* It's okay to hit on underage pages, solicit gay sex in an airport bathroom, and cheat on your wife (with or without diapers, payoffs, rentboys, or trips to Argentina) as long as you're a Good Christian(TM).

* A cable news network that parrots right wing talking points 24/7 is "fair and balanced". A cable news network that airs two or three commentators who question right wing talking points is "in the tank for the Left" even though it has a three hour morning show hosted by a former Republican congressman.

* Barack Obama is a racist for picking a Latina for the Supreme Court instead of a white man. Rush Limbaugh playing "Barack the Magic Negro", signs depicting Obama as a witch doctor, and postcards featuring the White House lawn filled with watermelons have nothing at all to do with racism, and are instead valid criticisms of the President's health care policies.
* Hawaii is part of Kenya.

* Invoking Nazism when talking about warrentless wiretapping, torture, secret death squads, and starting unprovoked wars is a sign that the speaker is a shrill, paranoid whackjob. Invoking Nazism when talking about providing health care for all is a valid and appropriate comparison.
* The salaries, bonuses, perks, "retention awards", ect. of executives must always increase to attract and retain top talent, regardless of the company's actual financial health. The pay and benefits of workers must be kept as low as possible, even when the company is profitable, in the name of Being Competitive In The Global Marketplace. This is not class warfare, but pointing out this fact is.

* Similarly, the severance packages ("golden parachutes") of the executives must be paid even if the executive's financial mismanagement of the company is the reason they're being removed. Unemployment claims by workers fired on a whim must be fought tooth and nail.

* Cutting taxes to the wealthiest Americans while slashing services that benefit the poor and middle class is not Class Warfare. Pointing out this fact, however, is the worst sort of Class Warfare.

* Deficit spending, when caused by health care, unemployment benefits, food stamps, and other programs designed to help the poor and middle class, is cause for deep concern. Deficit spending, when caused by military spending and cutting taxes to big business and the richest of the rich, doesn't matter.

* The differences between the exit polls and the official vote tally in the Ukraine in 2004 was proof that there was massive electoral fraud. The differences between the exit polls and the official vote tally in Ohio in 2004 was proof that something was wrong with the exit polls.

* You are enraged when Glenn Beck tells you Barack Obama is plotting to track everyone through the OnStar GPS in their cars, but was okay with George Bush admitting to tapping your phones and reading your email.

* Sonya Sotomayor following the law and judicial precedent in the case of a white firefighter claiming "reverse racism" means she's a "Judicial Activist" (and of course a racist). John Roberts and his Justices overturning a century of settled law and judicial precendent to allow big business to more blatantly buy our elected officials means they're "Strict Constructionists".

* A brown-skinned Muslim who calls for the bombing of Americans, the deaths of American soldiers, and the assassination of American elected officials is a terrorist. A white-skinned Christian who calls for the bombing of Americans, the deaths of American soldiers, and the assassination of American elected officials is a patriot.

* You show how strictly you follow the Constitution by wanting to ignore the First, Fourth, Fifth, Thirteenth, Fourteenth, and Sixteenth Amendments.

* Women are inferior to men, and should be barefoot, pregnant, in the kitchen, and quiet; unless they're really hot and run for political office as Republicans.

* The Constitution says nothing about things like establishing justice, insuring domestic tranquility, providing for the common defence, promoting the general welfare, and securing the blessings of liberty, but does say that we are a Christian nation ordained by God and no other religions should be acknowledged in any way.

* Anybody who thinks Bush and Cheney got us into Iraq just to enrich Halliburton and the oil companies is a shrill conspiracy theorist. Anybody who thinks Obama pushed for health care reform because he hates white people, was programmed by Kenyan socialists to be a double agent, and might be the Antichrist, is a speaker of the secret truths that "they" don't want you to hear.

* You are a female politician opposed to masturbation, even though rednecks who jack off to your picture are your most reliable voting block.

* If a commentator is fired for making racist comments, it's an example of "political correctness" gone too far. If a protestor is curb-stomped for daring to question a Teabagger candidate, it says nothing about the validity of the Teabagger movement, and she probably deserved it anyway.

* The Bible is the inerrant, literal word of God when it talks about the Earth being created in six days and homosexuality being an abomination. The Bible is a flawed work interpreted by errant humans when it talks about loving your neighbor, turning the other cheek, and the evils of greed.

* The greatest threat to our democracy today is billionaire George Soros giving money to political causes he believes in. The greatest boon to democracy today are billionaires Rupert Murdoch, Richard Mellon Scaife, and the Koch Brothers giving money to political causes that make them richer.

* The candidate who concieved a child out of wedlock and sent videos of a woman having sex with a horse is an examplar of American family values. A congressman who just happens to be Muslim is a threat to America.
* A successful terrorist attack during a Republican administration proves we need strong, Republican leadership to fight terrorism. Unsuccessful terrorist attacks during a Democratic administration prove we need strong, Republican leadership to fight terrorism.

* Bipartisanship means Republicans and Democrats coming together to do exactly what Republicans want.

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